Thoughts of Existence

©Cameron Altaras

Part I – “Nipping at Existence” (Length: 9+ min)
Part II – “It’s Just thoughts” (Length: 8+ min)

Words and Vocals– Cameron Altaras
Music and Video – Joseph Seuferling

"What lies beneath is truly horrifying." - Kafka

Questions, when posed, ought to lead to answers. Yet there are questions, although posed over and over, for which no satisfactory answers can be found. These are the questions with which we attempt to discern the meaning of life, not just our individual life – although that is not an insignificant question – but the meaning of all of life.

These two recordings articulate the angst at the core of the existential dilemma of trying to find meaning somewhere and the explosions that happen in our minds when we attempt to thwart even asking the questions. To live without fear, we must be willing to face that which is most frightening within us and often that which is most frightening are the things to which we can't find answers.

Common to these questions is the word: WHY.” To answer “Because” proves pithy, dismissive and simply leads to an endless round of more “WHY’s”.

To ask “WHY” calls into question the very framework of our existence and that is terrifying. Because of our socialization – be that cultural, religious or both – in some instances to even articulate these kinds of questions is viewed as inappropriate, as in: “A girl should never ask these kinds of questions!” or “You shouldn’t ask such dark questions!” or "Who do you think you are questioning God?!?" Rebukes such as these, force the questions underground. However, at some point, these repressed questions and all the angst shaping them, must explode and in the words of Kafka, when they do, we find that what “lies beneath” the normal everyday persona to which we have adapted ourselves, “is truly horrifying.”

Questions of this nature, refuse to leave us alone. Like dogs, they constantly nip at our heels. These questions wake us from our sleep or will not let us sleep. Over and over we ask them. They dam up our thinking and even our breathing. We drive ourselves insane! We seek everywhere for answers, for some modicum of truth that will bring us peace. And yet the more we seek it, the more peace seems to elude us. We find that through all this asking, we become estranged from ourselves. We wage a battle within ourselves between that part of us which insists on asking and the part of us that would counsel us to turn away from all this endless questioning. We know we can get stuck there, stuck asking the same question over and over and never breaking the spell we ourselves have cast. We cry out into the great void seeking an answer from somewhere.

Each of us must find our way out of the madness within that would swallow us whole.